Tomorrow I begin my chemotherapy. Since it's my first day, it will be my longest; it could take 7 or more hours. "Normal" days may be closer to 5 hours. I will go every other week for the next 3 months. My attitude is this: I'm scared and dread the potential side effects.
One thing everyone, including people with and without experience with cancer/chemo, says is "think positive,"attitude is everything," and "you can will yourself to be well." I have no quarrel with these statements/sentiments. They very well may be accurate. I don't know. No one really knows. Individual experiences (success stories) do not justify generalizations or absolute truths. I should probably mention here that I keep my religious views to myself, so I'm not going there.
Here's my problem: I'm am pessimistic about this whole cancer thing that I'm going through. Each step of the process -- since April -- has been a colossal failure, medically-speaking. I have no reason to believe I will magically begin to improve. It could happen; experience doesn't predict the future. I personally wouldn't bet on it though.
This is when folks say, "think positive," etc. Great. I appreciate the support. But here's the thing: I can't turn off my pessimism like a light switch. I feel what I feel and am not able to will myself to be optimistic about my chances of "success." I wish I could flip that switch. Maybe it will happen on its own, but it's beyond my control. It would be nice if it would happen before chemo starts tomorrow.
These are just my random thoughts and feelings. If I've offended anyone, I am sorry. This blog is about me, however, so if you don't like what I say, feel free to go away.
I appreciate your honesty. Frankly, I'd feel the same way after all you have gone thru - and you're the biggest worry wart I've had the pleasure of meeting.:-)
ReplyDeleteMaybe a different take is my personal mantra: "all I can do is all I can do." After that, worrying is useless - just stay informed, active in your treatment, and do all you can do to be a part of the battle every day. To ask any more would be silly. While I'm certainly not in your crappy place in life right now, I've had plenty of the usual crap, whatever that means - and switching my mindset to my mantra really has made it easier in the sense that I can more easily "let go" of what I can't contol (which are the things I wasted so much energy worrying about). Barring that, you can just be pissed and petulant. And I mean that in the nicest way. :-S
You rule, Becky. Thanks for that. I'll give it my best :-)
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