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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Bad Day

I'm having a rough time today, and it's mostly frustration with the ever-present queasiness from chemo.  It never quite seems to go away, and the slightest misstep -- the wrong food, the wrong beverage, too much of one or the other -- and it immediately returns as full-blown nausea.  I'm over it.  Today I am going back on Zofran (a previously prescribed anti-nausea med) and stopping with the Phenergan, which lately has not been all that effective.  The Zofran seems to be helping a bit this morning, but I still have this undercurrent of queasiness and fatigue which I can't seem to shake.  I'm working hard to keep my frustration from boiling over into anger, because that upsets my stomach all the more, but it consumes all of my focus and energy (of which I have little at the present moment).  I've lost 5 pounds since last Tuesday (down to 180) despite eating all I can.  This is discouraging in the extreme.

I know that we all have good days and bad days, but lately I feel like I've been getting a glut of bad ones.  One or two days of "feeling good" out of each two-week chemo cycle isn't cutting it.  I will address this with my oncologist on Tuesday when I am scheduled to see him next.  I wish I could know for certain that all of this is worth it and that the cancer cells are dying in droves, but I don't.  All I know is how I feel and most of the time it isn't good.  The thought of two more months of this overwhelms me at times, like now.  There are others far worse off than me, but this knowledge doesn't seem to help me.  I just want to feel better and more energetic, but nothing I try seems to work. 

I guess there's always tomorrow...right now I just have to deal with it as best I can. I'm trying.

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